February 19, 2013

Giveaway: Make up a Star Wars Ep 7 rumor and win

Poster by Lyndon Berresford
Rumors about the Star Wars sequels have been running rampant across the internet and even though I've been frustrated with the way they've been reported, I also find them to be entertaining. So I thought it would be fun for you guys to make up the most extreme possible rumors in order to win a giveaway.

The prize pack includes: an plush AT-AT backpack, Star Wars: The Clone Wars Volume 4, Star Wars sound blaster, Anakin Skywalker lightsaber lip balm, Top Trumps Star Wars The Clone Wars cards:

How to Win
Step 1: Comment on this entry by 11pm PST on Sunday, 2/24.

Step 2: In that comment, tell me the most outlandish thing you can about Star Wars Episode VII. It can be about the cast, the story, whatever. 

I will pick a winner on Monday, 2/25. I'm going to choose my six favorite rumors, assign a number to each, and then use a D6 to decide the winner. 

And apologies, but I need to keep it to US residents only.


  1. Disney will use Episode VII as a tie in for their JJ Abrams Flight of the Navigator reboot. The Ship will be a specially designed weapon made by the Emperor from lost technology and the brain of a cloned Jedi (a nod to Timothy Zahn's Heir to the Empire trilogy). Luke sacrifices himself to send the ship to a far off galaxy but manages to transfer his mind to a cloned body being grown from the severed hand he lost at Cloud City.


    Sith Lord Chewbacca! Either way I'm in!

  2. The Jedi order has taken the Empire's demise as a time to grow. The biggest brigade of new jedi beings? Ewoks. Their unassuming, non-threatening appearance make them the jedi's secret weapon, leaving the moon of Endor to formerly active rebels such as Luke, Han, Leia, Mon Mothma, Lando, etc, as a retirement community. Who will fill the role left by the ever-guiding, wise Yoda? A very elderly Asohka Tano, finally come out of hiding. And it's a good thing, too: A new sith is emerging. Call him ... Darth Lobot.

  3. This really isn't fair for me to even get involved. I've got a direct link to all things SW. I can't tell you for certain that I in fact HAVE the force coursing through my veins... but, well... ah screw it. I HAVE the force coursing through my veins.

    Here is the story. Remember that guy that was in the bounty hunters meeting from Empire... (he fought Captain Kirk once too) well it turns out... that he isn't who we think he is. His real name is Michael, he is a Jedi reject, (like the hunchback guy from 300). He always wanted to be a Jedi, but really just didn't have the sand to carry him through.

    Michael and an army of Gungan warriors are out for revenge. They are super pissed that no one cares about them, and nothing will stop their non-threatening pursuit of attention. Anaken Solo is busy as can be wining about how he wants Fresca instead of Sprite when the attack begins.

    Luke is an old man milk farmer, and is too busy with his Joker Pog collection to be of any use, so Anaken must use the skills of his mother and insult the Gungans too death. Scruffy Looking Nerferders? You have no idea.

    No but seriously? I heard that Luke,Leia,and Han are going to enter a triples wheelchair basketball competition, winner take all... all of the galaxy.


  4. In a crazy plot twist, they find out that Leia Organa isn't actually Luke's sister. His sister was actually Leia's childhood friend, Winter. (How that mix up happened will be explained in the next movie.)With that new information, Leia must again re-examine her feelings for Luke and Han, and also tell Winter that she's Luke's sister. All of this starts a ridiculous love triangle and it gets even worse when Chewbacca admits his love for Leia.

    While the heroes are caught in their personal lives, C3P0 gets a virus which turns him into a crazed killer, set on taking over the universe. So lone R2D2 goes off to find help to stop his companion and save the lives of trillions.

    (SPOILER ALERT: R2 travels to Naboo and runs into a young girl by the name of Taylor Swift [played by Taylor Swift] and the two unlikely heroes [well, one of them is unlikely] run into more trouble trying to stop C3PO when they encounter a mob of Swifts ex boyfriends who try to ruin their mission.)

    Zac Efron will be cast as Luke Skywalker, with Lady GaGa as Winter and Demi Lovato as Princess Leia. It will also be the very first in a series of musicals.

    1. ((I think it was just confirmed that the members of One Direction and the Biebs himself will be guest starring. Watch out for off screen drama.))

    2. Faith! Your hilarious rumor wins! Email me (email address at the top of the page on the right) your address!

  5. Star Trek will exist within the Star Wars Universe via the red matter worm hole and Luke Skywalker must battle Captain Kirk aboard the third Death Star. In addition Han Solo has a musical number. That is all :)

  6. There's a Fett clone called Bobby Feet, who is clumsy and has big, well, feet. He is the comical relief, akin to yoosa know who.

  7. Five words: Adam Sandler is Han Solo.

  8. It turns out that Han Solo is into furries, hence his wookie companion. Of course, this infuriates Princess Leia. When she learns that her father left (in his will) the plans for the Death Star, she decides to construct it to help her exact revenge on the cheating Solo...

  9. I heard Lando Calrissian is the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic.

  10. Turns out everything that happened after the Wampa attack was a dream conceived by Luke while healing in the Bacta Tank, thus negating Empire and Jedi.

  11. It turns out that Dr. Who actually exist in the Star War's universe. Of course, since it is the Doctor, it doesn't matter that it was a long time ago. The Daleks are manufacter by what is left of the Empire in a last ditch attept to crush the rebelion. Leia actually becomes the Dr's companion for a short while.

  12. As much as I want to win an AT-AT backpack, I'm tossing my favor to the Taylor Swift one.

  13. Jar Jar Binks will return as a grandfather, head of a huge family. They will sell a lot a marchandise, including cute little baby gungan with diapers and pacifier.

  14. ever since Harrison Ford was confirmed to come back for Star Wars VII, it was also rumored his son from the movie Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Shia LaBeouf, would be joining him in Star Wars VII as the son who turned to the dark side, other wise known as Jesse Solo

  15. Harrison Ford is back as Han Solo he's now living on Tattonee running moisture farms and drinking blue milk for the fiber and playing w/ his pestering grandkids.
    Darth Maul is back for the 3rd time just for the fun of it. The galaxy's favorite cyborg/sith lord just won't die, ever.
    Chewy is old and grey. A few cameos from the smoothest smooth talker that ever talked smooth, Lando. And the new cast of the next 3 episodes. A bunch of semi good actors that will change our children's lives forever.

  16. I officially submit the rumour that Sean Bean himself is playing a Sith Lord in Episode VII.

    Mr Bean (snort) will undoubtedly come to a grisly end, as is his wont.

  17. Disney will (if they haven't already) also buy up the rights to E.T. Since there were a bunch of E.T's in the galcactic senate (see Episode 1, if you missed them) Disney sees the opportunity to combine the franchises.

    E.T's (whatever they will be called) are a race where everyone is a force user, but they don't side with either the Jedi or the Sith, having kept their powers secret for ages. (That's why E.T. could had a glowing finger in E.T. and was in psychic contact with Elliot in the movie, etc. etc.)

    Now, the original E.T. from the E.T movie is the Jar-Jar Binks of the E.T. race, and will be the main character in the movie, completely CG and played by Gollum, I mean Andy Serkis, who will get snubbed at the Oscars once more. This means of course that the movie is aimed at a 6-10 year old audience. The movie ends with E.T. returning to earth, pursued by the Force Witches of Dathomir, seeking out the now grown-up Elliot and his sister to teach them the ways of the force to get them to help him save the galaxy.

    All the main character's will of course make cameos in small parts, as Disney will throw big loads of cash at the actors until they say yes. This is to try and convince fans that the new movies will be like the old ones.

  18. It is discovered, in the great Star Wars tradition of incestual kissing, that Han is the long lost Skywalker brother.

    Han will announce his long hidden love affair with Chewbacca stating that love knows no bounds, not even inter-species. Lando, in a depressed rage over the loss of his bro-friend Han will attempt to throw himself off of Bespin cloud city only to be saved by Nien Nunb who expressed his respect and attraction for Lando.

    Jump to the future and their love child is born......Jar-Jar Binks.

  19. At the after-party celebrating the destruction of the second Death Star, Luke discovered a family of Force sensitive Ewoks and began to train them in the ways of the Force. Since they breed faster than humans the Ewoks have the advantage of numbers, and now dominate the new Jedi Council.

  20. Han is caught in a love triangle between himself, Chewie, Boba Fett and Lando. He loves them all and cannot decide. Leia is devastated when she finds out, but gives her blessing. Boba is jealous and drugs Han and the others creating an orgy situation that Luke then walks in on scaring him straight through the Light side, into the Dark side and he discovers a new facet to the force.. the rainbow side.
    Yoda begins aging backwards and joins General Thrawn's quest to finish what the Emperor started.

  21. SW becomes Nolan-ized/Bourne'd. Everything is shaky-cam. Everyone fights blurry hand-to-hand. Characters talk like the weight of the world is on their shoulders. All have extremely elaborate psychological scars/flaws. Our heroes suffer from alcoholism, pain-killer addiction, and PTSD. All starships stop working due to adhering to laws of physics.

  22. Darth Vader's body was never fully destroyed in the funeral pyre at the end of Episode VI. It has been stolen by the Neo-Empire and through a new experimental procedure his midichlorians are re-ignited and he is risen as their leader and scourge to the New Republic. It has also been discovered that Jar Jar Binks was the first Gungan to have exibited Jedi attributes (corroborating scenes will be added into re-releases of the Phantom Menace); through successful breeding with another strong yet untrained potential Jedi (whose identity will remain a mystery until Episode IX in a shocking twist!) his youngest daughter is now a powerful Jedi with her sights on a romantic relationship with Jana Solo.

  23. It's a remake of Episode 4 with an all new cast. A line for line remake.

    Luke: Andrew Garfield
    Leia: Ellen Page
    Han Solo: James Franco
    Obi-Wan: Jeff Goldblum
    Chewbacca: Dikembe Mutombo

  24. Luke becomes the new sith after his love betrays him, and han and leia's daughter has to fight him and he shouts out "I am your Uncle."

  25. Disney is paying JJ to be the focus of the Nerd worlds hopes, fears and rants while Lucas and Spielberg secretly film VII

  26. The Ewoks use all of the abandoned Imperial gear and technology to build a fleet and then man it with their own army. They are understandably upset about the distruction in and around their home. THEY are the new threat to the Republic for Episode VII. In addition, talks have begun with MC Chris to license his songs for the movie with newer "Disney-friendly" lyrics.

  27. You guys are so creative and awesome! Your replies made me laugh out loud again and again.

    The winner of the prize pack is Faith with her story about a killer Threepio and a Taylor Swift/R2-D2 team-up.

    Thanks for playing everyone, and thanks for reading my blog! :)


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