How To Train for San Diego Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con is exactly one month away. Are you ready for the endurance test? It's the craziest convention I've ever attended, and you have to approach it seriously. You have to prepare to get by on little sleep, small amounts of food, and you have to come prepared to battle crowds. I've written up a helpful guide to assist your preparation:

Click to Enlarge

Even with the accompanying level of insanity that goes with attending or working at Comic-Con, it always ends up being worth it. You can repeat that like a mantra when you start freaking out about not being ready.

In case you'd rather just have the text:

Training for SDCC

Four weeks before

Get your shoulders and back ready.

• Find the bag you're taking to Comic-Con.
• Day one: put 1 bottle of water, 1 protein bar, and a magazine the size of the SDCC program in the bag. Walk around with the bag on your shoulder or back all day.
• Add one book a day for a week, keep the bottled water, put in an iPad, and add more protein bars for the rest of the week.
• If you're a reporter working the convention, add a laptop, recorder, camera, chargers, and replacement batteries.
• If you don't have a purple and red bag rash, you're doing it wrong.

Three weeks before

Practice the walk.

• Have friends set up an obstacle course where they push strollers at your ankles and hit you in the face with giant cosplay wings.
• Practicing navigating aisles with your shoulder bag, a paper bag twice the width of your body stuffed with boxed exclusives, and an expensive print that the artist won't give you a plastic sleeve or cover for.
• Get used to avoiding freebies. Mask your face with steely resolve and look forward no matter what kind of postcards or useless posters people shove in your face.* If you want to earn bonus points, go to Las Vegas to practice the technique.
  • *This does not apply if the freebie is a button. You must collect them all.

Two weeks before

Waiting.

• Hone your standing-in-line skills. Develop coping mechanisms. You might have to talk to strangers. Even if there's not a line at the movie theater or the coffee shop, you must wait. Start the line.
  • You've been meaning to go to the DMV, no better time than just before Comic-Con.
  • Go to the grocery store on a weekend afternoon.
  • Go to a theme park and only go on the most popular rides. Try to wait in line for at least half of the day.
  • Get used to sitting on the floor in the tiniest possible place.
  • While you're at, go ahead an practice sleeping on the ground.

One week before

Diet.

• Day one: Cut back to two big meals a day with a snack of either a protein bar or a soft pretzel.
• In the evenings, have at least two alcoholic beverages before consuming any food.
• By day four: only eat one meal a day and random snacks you bum from friends and/or strangers. Forget about consuming any food after you start drinking.